So it’s been a few days since I started tapering myself off of Zoloft. I was on it for anxiety because I used to have terrible panic attacks, paranoia, and post traumatic stress syndrome.
The PTSS came from my childhood. My father was bipolar and his mood swings were crazy. Everything would be fine until he would decide to chase my mom up a tree, throw the family dog 30 feet, or smash random objects. I thought it was normal, so whenever I had a conflict or confrontation I would be petrified. If a teacher took me out in the hallway I would start crying so hard that I would shake and gasp for air. When I was asked why I was crying so hard, I would stutter so hard that I couldn’t even talk. The teachers would feel so bad that I wouldn’t even get in trouble. My childhood was incredibly stressful. I basically lived with a monster until I was 7 years old. I don’t talk to him anymore, but I still have psychological scarring.
I was depressed a lot in college because I didn’t have my family and never really felt that I belonged anywhere. I didn’t even have sex until I was 21, because I didn’t trust men. I saw a psychologist my junior year and he put me on 100mg of Zoloft.
Zoloft changed my life. I was comfortable eating in front of people, I got a tattoo, learned how to drive, and was even able to have a boyfriend. It was difficult for me to cry over stuff. I also didn’t really feel like I cared about anything. If I failed a class, I was like whatever. Before Zoloft I would have freaked out and cried.
I don’t want to take Zoloft anymore because it makes me feel numb. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a Zoloft haze. Also it’s terrible for me. If I ever got knocked up, I’d have to come off of it anyway. I don’t want my kid to have clubbed feet or a cleft lip. I also want kids. So it would be much better to get off of it now. I am also going back to school soon for my teaching credit isles and it would be awesome to like care about my grades. Maybe ever get all A’s.
Best of all I won’t be reliant on any pharmaceuticals. I want be putting any of that poison in my body. It will be a rough road. Full of plenty of terrible withdrawal symptoms. But I’m a strong girl!